Artist problem #18

Wanting to do art to help cope but not wanting to do art because of the lack of motivation due to why your having to cope.

i.e having a mental illness and being an artist.

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9-16-19

As I was writing the title for this post, I realized that we’re nearing the end of the year. It’s funny looking back to January 1st, thinking about how this years gonna be different, but it’s just another day.

Sure we celebrate and that’s all fine and dandy, but it’s like celebrating that a Wednesday is turning into a Thursday. Don’t get me wrong, I like New Years, staying up late and watching the ball drop, hanging out with friends and such, but why?

When I was in the hospital over New Years, from December 26th to around 1-2 weeks after that, nothing changed. Sure the fact that I was in the hospital is different but not significantly more than all the other times.

I remember the moments that happened. My mom, dad, sister and I watching the ball drop from the tv, listening to the live bands and such. My nurse bringing my sister and I glow sticks and watching fireworks above the treeeline from the 12th floor of the hospital.

Those memories stuck with me not because it was a new year, but because it meant something to me.

Right now I’m racked with anxiety. My mind cannot stop thinking about every hospital stay and every possible outcome that could occur . I have pfts at 9.

Right now I’m trying a second course of prednisone and another antibiotic, along with a new inhaler. My lung infection has just gotten worse and I’m coughing up a storm. Based on my numbers I might or might not get admitted.

Last time my numbers were fine, they’ve never been a huge concern or revealed to much on to what’s going on. The thing is, even if my numbers are good, well relatively good at least, I still might get admitted.

I think I’m at a point where I should get admitted. My lungs constantly contracting and forcing air out in big heaves is no fun, especially with my already limited energy. But Im on my third week of 10th grade, online, but stressful none the less.

That said I don’t want to get admitted. I admit(god I’m saying that word a lot) no one wants to get in the hospital. There’s the word want, as in I want candy, but there’s also the term used for when you’d like for that thing to happen, but maybe on a later date.

When I say this like, its a very flexible meaning. I’d prefer to get admitted as I don’t want this to get any worse, but I don’t necessarily want that to happen.

I’m probably making no sense at this point, curse brain fog. Summary, might(probably idk) get inpatient tomorrow for lung infection. On another note I just finished the son of Neptune by Rick Riordan. Round of applause for this author. 👏👏👏 it was so goooddd.

Anyways that’s all for now,

Bye. (Sorry I suck at conclusions or whatever for blog posts, and or but definitely also for essays)

Health Stuff

Friday I had yet another appointment with my doctor. Pfts then GI appointment.

Pfts

The same as last time. I talked to my doctor and I’m going off the previous oral antibiotic, getting put on inhaled tobymyacine antibiotics. I just finished a 5 day course of prednisone as well.

When my mom had been talking to her she asked if any of us thought we needed to be admitted.

If this doesn’t work I’ll probably go into the hospital. For the time being, at least for the next week or two I’m trying not to get admitted because of finals and such.

Though it will be nice to be in the hospital when I don’t have to worry about school.

GI

These appointments always leave me at a loss and frustrated. Confused definitely. Basically as a summary, I’m going to be getting a gastric emptying test done, trying to maintain/ gain weight, and such. We were talking about trying another medication I’ve been on but increasing the dosage. We’re holding that off for a bit.

Anyways that’s all for now,

Bye.

New Series! And busy schedule.

The next two weeks I’m finishing up the school year. Finals already in the process and to many projects to count.

I’m stopping quotes. Maybe I’ll continue in the future, but it was more used as a filler. I can’t upload daily. In the summer I’m going to be trying to do more art, get my blog monetized, drivers ed, jobs, etc.

Right now I’m tryin to focus on one thing at a time, but it’s difficult. A lung infection in tow really adds to the overall pile of responsibility. The antibiotic I’m on now is causing me frequent dizziness, which is difficult to deal with. My weight is declining again and just ughhh.

I’m supposed to be doing 3 best treatments, 3 hypertonic saline, 2 doses of mirialx through my gtube, bunch of medications, and my memories going to crap with all the things I have to do.

The past week I’ve been trying to figure out my drawing tablet. It’s a kamvas gt-191 by huion. Recently my dad and I mounted it to the wall where my desk is. I couldn’t get the actual drawing part of it to work, just using it as a monitor to watch Netflix when I draw. Today I finally figured it out.

There is three cords that connect to the tablet. Two go to my computer, and the one other is just the power cord. The past week, I’ve only had two cords. Finally realizing this once I went through the handbook, I instantly fixed the problem.

I’m planning on starting doing comics. Little short stories or quick memories to add and adjust to digital art. My sister, @art&roses gave me the idea the other day.

As for the time being, I’m going to be busy. Example, I didn’t even get to do any art today which is saying something.

Anyways, that’s all for now,

Bye. 🦄

Friday Doctors Appointmnet

I saw my CF doctor on Friday. I had pfts done.

My FEV1 was 92, which is really good. I do close off my throat, which makes my numbers look better when they’re not.

It does annoy me though. Feeling this crappy and having this many problems breathing I was expecting them to at most be in the 80s. It just makes me feel like I have to validate for my symptoms, prove that they are indeed real. This already happens with having an invisible illness when people don’t understand that I may look fine, but I am indeed sick.

I got put on a different antibiotic. I’ve of course, have had side effects of dizziness and insomnia.

I lost 2 pounds since last month, and 4-5 since I got discharged at the end of March. I’m trying to eat more, but also eat healthier foods.

Updates will probably follow soon.

That’s all for now,

Bye.

Lung Infections are BS

Didn’t I just go through this like a month ago?

The answer is yes, and this is why lung infections are BS.

The repetitiveness is ridiculous. Like seriously it’s maybe been just more than a month since my last admission? I don’t know, all of them sort of blend together into one flaming ball of garbage that I just want to put down the disposal.

Oh ya and anxiety? Well that can just go jump off a microwave.

I just started a new pediatricians since I’m still idk young? Though I feel like I’m older than 15. Hospital stays, handfuls of medications, and cracking joints, oh my!

Ya you could say I’m sleep deprived.

Started taking an oral antibiotic, though they never help, I think they have to do that rather than just send me straight to the hospital.

I’m coughing a lot more. When I’m sick it’s usually dry cough with the occasional wet coughs, but now it’s 50/50. I mean it’s not as bad as others, but it’s still a pain.

I have around 3 weeks of school left, then, freedom! I was hoping to stay out of the hospital til summer, but at this rate where I can’t walk to the couch from my kitchen without being breathless for 10 minutes is a bit ridiculous.

Algebra sucks btw. Who thought adding letters would be a good idea. Just 4 years ago x meant to multiply, where as now it’s ‘oh find what x means or something.’

Anyways, in summary my health sucks, lung infections are BS, and anxiety can go jump off a microwave.

Well thanks for listening to my ted talk,

Bye.