Feeling unproductive when you haven’t drawn something good in awhile.
Wanting to do art to help cope but not wanting to do art because of the lack of motivation due to why your having to cope.
i.e having a mental illness and being an artist.
As I was writing the title for this post, I realized that we’re nearing the end of the year. It’s funny looking back to January 1st, thinking about how this years gonna be different, but it’s just another day.
Sure we celebrate and that’s all fine and dandy, but it’s like celebrating that a Wednesday is turning into a Thursday. Don’t get me wrong, I like New Years, staying up late and watching the ball drop, hanging out with friends and such, but why?
When I was in the hospital over New Years, from December 26th to around 1-2 weeks after that, nothing changed. Sure the fact that I was in the hospital is different but not significantly more than all the other times.
I remember the moments that happened. My mom, dad, sister and I watching the ball drop from the tv, listening to the live bands and such. My nurse bringing my sister and I glow sticks and watching fireworks above the treeeline from the 12th floor of the hospital.
Those memories stuck with me not because it was a new year, but because it meant something to me.
Right now I’m racked with anxiety. My mind cannot stop thinking about every hospital stay and every possible outcome that could occur . I have pfts at 9.
Right now I’m trying a second course of prednisone and another antibiotic, along with a new inhaler. My lung infection has just gotten worse and I’m coughing up a storm. Based on my numbers I might or might not get admitted.
Last time my numbers were fine, they’ve never been a huge concern or revealed to much on to what’s going on. The thing is, even if my numbers are good, well relatively good at least, I still might get admitted.
I think I’m at a point where I should get admitted. My lungs constantly contracting and forcing air out in big heaves is no fun, especially with my already limited energy. But Im on my third week of 10th grade, online, but stressful none the less.
That said I don’t want to get admitted. I admit(god I’m saying that word a lot) no one wants to get in the hospital. There’s the word want, as in I want candy, but there’s also the term used for when you’d like for that thing to happen, but maybe on a later date.
When I say this like, its a very flexible meaning. I’d prefer to get admitted as I don’t want this to get any worse, but I don’t necessarily want that to happen.
I’m probably making no sense at this point, curse brain fog. Summary, might(probably idk) get inpatient tomorrow for lung infection. On another note I just finished the son of Neptune by Rick Riordan. Round of applause for this author. 👏👏👏 it was so goooddd.
Anyways that’s all for now,
Bye. (Sorry I suck at conclusions or whatever for blog posts, and or but definitely also for essays)
Setting up your monitor for digital art and then not wanting to do digital art anymore.
When you press down too hard with your pencil and it wont erase.