Can’t sleep again-12 o’clock at Night Thoughts

It is currently 11:34 at night and I once again can’t sleep, but hey what’s new.

Sick. Being sick sucks. Especially if it is something that will always be a part of you. Yes, I will not always be in a state where I am actually sick, but there will always be treatments and pills. A never ending spiral of treatments in order to prevent me from getting sick.

Nausea. The feeling of having to puke, sometimes you do or sometimes the feeling just sticks with ya. Lightheaded. The feeling of your head being light or feeling almost dizzy. Feeling faint. The feeling of fainting. Breathing problems. Sometimes(depending on the severity) feeling like you can’t breathe, having to take deeper breathes or feeling out of breathe, even tightness in the chest can happen. These are all things I deal with on a daily basis.

Wanting to be normal. This follows along with frustration and sadness and a bunch of different emotions. While other kids are hanging out with their friends I’m in my house doing treatments or feeling to sick to do anything. Having to wake up earlier for school to do treatments. Having to spend hours a day on your health. Feeling lonely or out of place. Having to miss school a lot because your sick and then having to deal with the anxiety about going back. Having to catch up on work from being absent. Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not have to deal with CF, but sadly, that’s not how life works.

I cannot explain how annoying it is and frustrating when you aren’t getting better. When basically no one knows what the heck is wrong with you and people don’t know how to treat you because everything they have tried so far hasn’t worked. And people not understanding that your still sick and aren’t getting better. The worst thing you can do to someone with a chronic illness is making them feel like they have to prove that they are sick. And that’s exactly how I feel right now.

Having to be productive when all you want to do is keep is pretty annoying. I face this problem a lot and even when I just want to sleep, if I do sleep, I’ll feel unsuccessful in a way because I wouldn’t have done anything most of the day. This happens to me right now a lot because I feel so crappy that I don’t want to do anything.

I hate CF with a burning passion, but I feel like without it I wouldn’t be who I am today. I would most likely take a lot of things for granted. I would never experience how one thing can affect so many lives. The feeling of hopelessness, nothing working. I would never know what it feels like to just want to be normal. To just want to have one day without having to do treatments or take pills. I’m not saying I’m glad I have CF, I’m just saying everyone has their own thing they have to deal with and this is mine.

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